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Shitball
Now that I’m married and I have a ring to ward off freaks, I feel that riding the Blue Line has become the new opportunity for the crazies to court me. They look for me, see me and then sit practically on my lap. They always smell really bad and sometimes talk to themselves, or to me. Everyone…
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You’re too skinny and it’s grossing me out
At first I thought Vogue Italia was kidding…their cover must have been a joke. I took a peak at the Avant-Garde September 2011 issue with cover model, Stella Tennant striking an eerie cold pose. Tennant appears to be freakishly styled in an old pilgrims funeral outfit, decorated with savage body piercings and holding a pair of scissors. Stella wore her…
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Sweet Meat vs Butter
I first heard about Paula Deen years ago through my mother. I’ll paraphrase this now archived tip from Mrs. B,”You need to check out The Paula Deen show. Last week, I watched an episode where she stuffed a beer can up a chicken’s butt. I called Julie and was like, turn on the Food Network!” I was mildly…
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Entertaining with cheese and bacon… works like a charm!
Maybe it’s the Boone’s Farm slushie talking, but when I entertain, It’s not unusual for my compadres to have a little pow-wow and and try to talk me into opening a restaurant. I let them down easy every time and tell them there’s too much competition now that Culver’s is right across the street from my wine garden. Can you say, ‘BUTTER…
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My mama says…
The top was down on her silver convertible and my mother waved at me as I got off the train. When I got into her car, I gave her a funny look. “What are you listening to?” I ask. She gives me THE LOOK. “It’s Britney Spears, I like it’ she says. As we drive through Geneva,…
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Yes, they have a tree stump table
Last Sunday, I got slacky with my husband, BFFs Katrina, Steve, and their little rug-rats. They invited us over so they could show off! Their house has never been one to snub, but recently they made some cosmetic changes and the end result gets a standing ovation from me. A few years back, the couple purchased…
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In the closet.
It was Friday, close to 5 pm and I’d had a long day wrestling mannequins. Like most Americans. I was ready to celebrate my happy hour. Buttoned up and ready to fly at 5 pm, I headed to my friend Michelle’s closet, where I knew there would be plenty of booze and LOADS of eye candy. It…
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Call me a name dropper, see if I care
Sitting on a curb in front of the elegant driveway at the Park Hyatt in Chicago, I waited for the valet attendant to fetch my jalopy. I was driving an old beat up Ford Escort and clearly didn’t fit in with the chic hotel clientele. The attendant had probably parked my car illegally outside Cabrini Green,…
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The Bird Widow
I always thought bird watchers came from old money and had British accents. I imagined them wearing knickers, fine wool caps, and viewing birds though solid gold opera glasses. They would say, “lovely,” a lot. Perhaps, another bird watcher profile could be a boy scout. A lonely, nerdy boy scout with zero friends, a compass, and a ratty bag of…
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Glorified Bag Lady
My friend, John Wagner and I where hanging out at some dive bar in Chicago when we had an ahh-ha moment! Together, we were dreaming big. Although I had no clear direction in life, John had focus. He was making some tall cash as a photographer. So while he bought all my drinks and bragged…