TMI

She kept dropping her magazines and apologizing. As the plane took off, I realized that I was seated next to a highly intoxicated middle aged women. A bombed broad, if you will. I never got her name, but boy, did I get her story.

She lives in Palm Springs, sandwiched in between big homes with celebrities. The community where she resides is gated. Recently, she got divorced. Her ex is an asshole and she is so, so happy he isn’t in her life any more. But she’s worried that her super rich, beautiful sister is trying to sabotage her life. She is an heir to the family apple and cherry orchards. She doesn’t understand why they are not making wine out of the fruit. She interviewed in Paris to sell wine for Catherine Deneuve. Do I know who Catherine is?

“Yes,” I said as I shoveled chips and guacamole in my mouth. […]

Something smells fishy

No, I wasn’t high. So what if I bought a four foot long stuffed Marlin pillow? It really did look cool on the web site, but when I took it out of the box, well here’s what happened:

It was around 7:30 pm when the doorbell rang.

“Don’t answer the door, it’s probably Jehovah’s Witnesses,’ I yelled.

Look at this…isn't it GREAT!??!

Greg shot me a look and walked over to the front door to get a package handed to him from the Fed Ex guy. This was the gift I’d been waiting for. Earlier in the week, I spent a day obsessing over throw pillows. I just love how they make a couch even more inviting. Now that I’m “freelance”, which translates to a professional couch potato, I’ve found it necessary to accessorize my throne. I was sick of seeing the same old pedestrian Pottery Barn pillow. My intent was to think not […]

What a croc of

I wonder about some people’s fashion choices. The capital offense, Croc shoes. I’ve noticed that even celebraties embrace their right to parade around in the whimsical  clogs. Take top chef Mario Batali, a man who could have diamonds on the soles of his shoes. To my dismay, he favors sporting Crocs, the fruit colored foot gear. Maybe they remind him of pasta strainers?

Do I really need to say anything?

I don’t understand why anyone in their right mind would wear Crocs; or why the Colorado based company isn’t bankrupt. Far from taking a financial stumble, Crocs grossed over $1 billion in 2011 and project to surpass that number this year. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but I think those wearing Crocs are leaving behind an ugly footprint.

For those not familiar with Crocs, I applaud you! Crocs are rubber shoes that make your feet stink. Really gross. Anyone […]

Bro-tox

I drink a lot of water, and it’s not because I think it’s refreshing. Water is about as close to the fountain of youth as I’m going to get. I take care of my skin and regularly bury my face in a wet towel, that I steam in the spaghetti stained microwave. (Great for a hangover!)  I realize that I’m not a teenager anymore and that my Irish skin doesn’t love the sun, but still I wasn’t prepared for a question that I was recently asked during a dinner party. A male friend inquired, “Have you thought about Botox?”

Do you think the Slacky Hispster needs a shot in the forehead? I don't!

I dropped my fork and wondered if he had thought about a toupee, except all his hair was intact. Well, he must have been hitting the sauce because not ten minutes earlier, I’d been having a make-out session with […]

Maddollz!

My sophisticated friend Moni, may be all grown up, but this hasn’t stopped her from playing with dolls. Monica Tolczyk, a highly regarded packaging designer and partner of Mint design firm has a side gig that’s worth a glance! Moni creates custom Barbie type dolls, housed inside a real package that’s accessorized with all sorts of goodies. The doll is a personalized figurine that defines character with tiny collections of scrape-book moments, silly commentary, and small bits of tchotchke.

At first, I wondered if my friend had a glue sniffing problem and had really gone mad. Then she made my doll…a tiny replica of  beauty and all that is good. She, “the Fabulous Erin Doll” is behind a protective plastic bubble. Around her are things that tell a story about me….lots of champagne bottles and secretive moments that only a real friend can document. It’s sort of like a “roast” in a box with gravy and mashed potatoes!

On the back […]

Scary shit.

I was watching a scary movie alone on Saturday night when a real terrifying experience happened at home. No, the phone didn’t ring with some creep on the line saying,”Hey hottie, I’m watching you get drunk and scratch your butt.”

A zombie didn’t knock on my door and ask for sugar.

And I didn’t doze off and wake up with Gerard Depardieu peeing in my living room…this was sick.

I paused the movie when I realized that my glass of wine was empty. There wasn’t any in the kitchen so I had to go down into my boogie-man basement and get some vino out of the basement fridge. I fumbled for the light. The bulb was burnt out and a voice was telling me to run for my life—but I grabbed a pack of matches from Le Colonial, where I dined earlier—and made my way down the treacherous staircase by the dim light of […]

It’s mine!

Gangs of  trixie bitches charged into Target stores with fangs out and oversized bags to bang on the heads, Ruth Buzzie style, of anyone that dare get in their way. The lucky whores who scored Missoni looked stoned, with frozen smile faces, sweaty brows, and a hyperventilated sense of success. Mobs of Botoxed brats who needed tummy tucks were about to find out that horizontal lines don’t look good on a meatball mommy. It was worse than the recent raid at the Qaddafi compound.

This week’s launch of the fresh Missoni line, tailored for Target, sold out instantly. I’d been looking forward to amping up my fall wardrobe with a few Missoni deals. But I didn’t stand a chance at plucking a zig zagged classic off the racks. Score one for the meatballs.

Scorned and feeling rejected—even on the web—I cursed Bullseye, who seemed to guard the overloaded site with a wrench in its paw. I […]

You’re too skinny and it’s grossing me out

At first I thought Vogue Italia was kidding…their cover must have been a joke.  I took a peak at the Avant-Garde September 2011 issue with cover model, Stella Tennant striking  an eerie cold pose. Tennant appears to be freakishly styled in an old pilgrims funeral outfit, decorated with savage body piercings and holding a pair of scissors.

Stella wore her strange costume with conviction but this didn’t overshadow her shockingly small waist line for a minute.Her core  looked sucked in and cartoonish, like, about the circumference of an orange. The supermodel should have skipped this shoot with Steven Miesel and gone to lunch instead. I wondered how long the assignment took? How many times did she faint? Was she on her way to her own funeral? I wanted to call her up and say, “Girlfriend, you gotta get off the baby food diet and eat a cheeseburger!”

It turns out that Tennant was playing out the impression […]