It’s mine!

Gangs of  trixie bitches charged into Target stores with fangs out and oversized bags to bang on the heads, Ruth Buzzie style, of anyone that dare get in their way. The lucky whores who scored Missoni looked stoned, with frozen smile faces, sweaty brows, and a hyperventilated sense of success. Mobs of Botoxed brats who needed tummy tucks were about to find out that horizontal lines don’t look good on a meatball mommy. It was worse than the recent raid at the Qaddafi compound.

This week’s launch of the fresh Missoni line, tailored for Target, sold out instantly. I’d been looking forward to amping up my fall wardrobe with a few Missoni deals. But I didn’t stand a chance at plucking a zig zagged classic off the racks. Score one for the meatballs.

Scorned and feeling rejected—even on the web—I cursed Bullseye, who seemed to guard the overloaded site with a wrench in its paw. I swear, at one point that dog made eye contact with me, and  looking really sad he woofed, “Listen sucker, there’s no way in hell that you will score even a pair of socks.”

My husband suggested that I go to a Target located in a bad neighborhood. I laughed at his strategy, knowing that lots of broads put on their brass knuckles and headed to the ‘hoods to snatch up some Missoni. Plus, to be honest, I’ve lost interest. Watching women haggle over clothing is a little sad and I won’t go there.

I would describe Missoni as classic boho chic, but the new posse of fans could fit right in at a Bon Jovi concert. I imagine a chick wearing her new mini skirt paired with bandanas tied around her ankles. Sort of a buzz kill and kind of like the movie Show Girls, when the stripper tells everyone about her new Versace dress.

Ahh, but life’s a bitch and many of us would like to sit pretty in the poor house. I applaud the ladies who want to look like they shop on Michigan Ave, but simply can’t afford the lifestyle. I raise my glass of wine to these girlfriends who found something fun at Target. These are the ladies who respectfully  have an appreciation for tasteful style, but need to support more important needs …  like a bar tab. Unlike the shopping-hogs that came out in droves for the launch, these are the type of women who actually tried things on, and only bought if it felt right. And they didn’t put their shit up on eBay! (annoying)

Procter and Gamble announced this week that they are weeding out their middle class products, targeting to the poor and rich. This says a lot about the state of our economy, when your choice of soap may feel like it’s from the local jail or else a spa. Our options are limited. You get cat food or caviar. Or, in the words of NWA, “You’re thinking lobster, I’m thinking Burger King!” The overwhelming herd that stampeded on Target this week is telling of a weak economy, and a will for Americans to still keep up with the Joneses!

BTW, mom, if you are reading this and you bought me some Missoni stuff for a little giftie, DON’T RETURN IT!  I want it bad!! I just wasn’t fast enough!

 

  • Cleverly written, funny! I can completely relate…LOVE IT!