I wish I was a Laser Cat

Sometimes I wish that I could kill someone just by blinking my eyes. Tonight, while riding the Blue Line, I would have destroyed the couple who stared at me, made out like sluts, and engaged in stupid conversation. I normally have a little fun eavesdropping, but not on this!

The girl was overly dressed Urban Outfitters style with thick ugly glasses. She was making a fabulous effort to look, poor Art School. Her boyfriend was barley visible behind his facial hair and this is what they talked about: his grody to the max, homeless-man-style beard.

“You’re so cute,” said the girl, fingering his beard.

[kiss, kiss, hugs and groping]

“I love your beard,” said the girl.

[love look into eyes, hearts are everywhere]

“It’s just so cool. I’m so glad you have a beard now,” said the girl.

“So, do you want to order Chinese?” asked the guy.

“I don’t know,” says starry eyed girl. You […]

Shitball

Now that I’m married and I have a ring to ward off freaks, I feel that riding the Blue Line has become the new opportunity for the crazies to court me. They look for me, see me and then sit practically on my lap. They always smell really bad and sometimes talk to themselves, or to me. Everyone else on the train buries them-self into their Kindles, while I feel 6 feet under. Clearly, I’m on my own…there’s no wing man at my side.

It was a cold winter rush hour and the train was running late. I huddled in the glass box and pressed the “warming” button over and over. Nothing like a blast of heat from a light bulb to save your life. Finally, the choo choo raced in. The doors opened and a wall of people stood in my way. The train was stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey.

Somehow, I managed to push and shove my […]