Lord Help Me, Elizabeth This is the Big One

There are zombies and then there are toddlers with tiaras. I’ve been holed up in hotel rooms with very little free time to do anything other than treat my brain to flat screen mush. I have become a cable tv victim.¬†Sprawled¬†out on a dialed up sleep-number bed, like a character from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, I have been ending my days with junk food, bottles of wine and yes! Toddlers & Tiaras. A week later, my¬†motor¬†skills are lacking and I can’t stop hitting myself.

Frankly, I am terrified of Toddlers & Tiaras. I worry that one day, I will look out my hotel window and see a sea of toddlers with tiaras, foaming at the mouth, carrying bags of sugar, and on a quest to take over the world. I know that when I run into a zombie, I will put a stake in it’s heart. I wonder though, how will we as a nation survive an invasion of toddlers with tiaras?

Yikes! There she is again, “Heaven” or something. This five year olds favorite food is chocolate. When she grows up she wants to be Ms. America, and THIS YEAR, she really wants to shoot and kill a deer. Flash to a video clip of this five year old who is a¬†pageant¬†winner armed with a shot gun. She is in the middle of some forest, hunting deer.

“Doe, a deer, a female deer
Ray, a drop of golden sun
Me, a name I call myself
Far, a long, long way to run
Sew, a needle pulling thread
La, a note to follow Sew
Tea, a drink with jam and bread
That will bring us back to Do (oh-oh-oh)”

Two hours later, this kid is riddled with¬†disappointment. The deer are on to “Heaven,” or whatever the hell her name is. Apparently, what looks to be an organized conspiracy,¬†¬†the entire supply of this forest’s deer have fled. It’s almost like they¬†sense¬†a tsunami. They have smelled the demon stench of a toddler in a tiara!

Sad, Heaven goes home sans a deer strapped to the top of her Lady Ga Ga kid car.

I sit on my bed with a¬†Kleenex¬†box and¬†stifle¬†a sob. That poor little¬†toddler! She worked so hard! It’s like, she was robbed! What were the producers of this show thinking? Couldn’t they throw in a prop deer? Ratings, people … ratings! This is the kind of let-down that can turn a little tot towards the dark side and we don’t want that. I want these kids happy and if all it takes is a dead deer then I say, sock it to her!

Because it takes a lot of time, practice, money and guts to get into the glitter¬†pageants! Like them eat cake, shoot deer, and best of all dress up real slutty! Someday, that kid will grow up to be an overweight diabetic, coupon clipper, hooked on pain pills. That’s when she can remember the glory days. The day when she got up on stage and rocked a bikini made out of bacon.

One kid named something stripper like, “Baby boo-boo” now has her OWN REALITY SHOW! Talk about killa! She makes fart noses under her arm. Outstanding and adorable at the same time. She has a real supportive family, (thank¬†Buddha!) Her mom spends all her free time collecting coupons to save money that will pay for all the¬†pageant¬†expenses. It adds up: hotel rooms, Daisy Duke¬†costumes, sugar,¬†Mountain¬†Dew, and sugar! The family is so¬†resourceful¬†and considerate to this child, they take road trips and find road kill. True¬†libertarians, these folks remove the¬†carcass¬†from the road, take it home, wash off the flies and make sausages from the meat. Waste not! Take that Bobby Flay! I smell a smack down. Because someone needs a spanking.

  • Brian

    I was just starting to begin to maybe want cable again, thanks for the reality check (all puns intended).