This year, I resolve to stop fucking with people, not to fall asleep in public, and to be a lady. (Deep Breath) This will require that I stop yelling to my favorite bartender, “Hey, fat black man, bring me another!” (He actually enjoys this. His name is Anthony, and everyone tells him he looks like the fat black guy from SNL.)
I will end my ruse of pretending to be an actress. So, I’ll have to stop LYING and claiming that my most recent role is the Emmy-winning scene where I portray a sad lady, walking across a bridge in an Alzheimer’s commercial.
I will not engage all the people who email with promises of wiring me money. I will stop giving these people a contact number so that I can negotiate my terms … and that I plan to fly in to wherever the money is. I won’t tell them I’m gluten-free, so they better have proper food, or that I require copious amount of alcohol or else I shake. I won’t tell them that there had better be a limo waiting for me at the airport. And no guns, spears, or lightsabers. The money should be unmarked and not smell funny. I promise I won’t tell them any of this ever again.
I won’t fall asleep at the House of Blues, or on Michelle’s bathroom floor (not that I ever sunk so low).
Instead, I’ll lose weight. I vow to end the cheeseburger diet and work out a little. I will not exercise with a bloody mary in my hand. I’m going to have friends over for a gumbo party and all they will talk about is my skinny ass and cute outfit. I will stand back and eavesdrop on my party and see them talking in slow motion about my flat stomach. Although I won’t eat for a week prior to the party, on that day, I’ll gobble it down. They will wonder where I put it.
I’m going to go someplace in my car that requires driving a couple of hours (a big deal because I hate to drive) I won’t honk my horn during the drive, or yell, “DOUCH BAG” because I will drive like a lady. I will not flip-off my husband, or make fun of crying babies. (I’ll give you something to cry about), I will stop thinking evil thoughts about Packers fans. I will be an extra-Slacky Hipster and put a little fun in your dull pathetic life.
Have a hell of a happy New Year and if you are on the pulse of hip, you will be at a pajama party getting trashed. C U in 2012!
[note- I fully expect to fail at all of these resolutions ... especially the Packers thing.]